So, I'm going to steal some words from my linguistics book, but I'm going to use them in a completely irrelevant way. Cause that's what I do.
The fine sisters over at She Doesn't Get It have a forum on, well, lots of things. Mostly about being childful and childless, which seems to be my reality these days also. Everyone I know (and their little dogs too) seems to be having babies these days. Kinda like in years past when I everyone I knew was getting married. I guess these things usually work this way. I have to admit I feel a certain twinge in my ovaries at the thought of zee leetle bebe, because I think that's part of being 30-something.
Society (whatever that is) does seem to judge people on whether they're married and having kids, and so I totally relate to the singletons who bemoan their friends' inability to discuss anything other than their marriage or their kids. At the same time, I understand the marrieds-with-kids desire to discuss their reality, which is to say being married and having kids.
Yes, there are perhaps bigger things in the world to worry about--you know, global warming and world peace, etc. I do think these bigger concerns are implicit in people's discussions about themselves; it's just not always as apparent. I read an article the other day that suggested one way to minimize global warming was for people to procreate less. Well, I can see that as a reasonable argument. I'm also one of those people who believes that raising responsible kids is another way to contribute positively to the world. That said, I know that's just me putting on my rose-tinted glasses because there are plenty of loopholes in that argument.
I don't think the argument for/against kids is one we can empirically hash out. We are, after all, people who can't entirely be ordered by reason. Mortgage partner says he can't come up with a good reason for wanting the new car he slobbers over (which he isn't getting--I get the next new car). It's much more concrete to defend the argument for/against marriage--that's a contract with potential financial pros/cons, in addition to the obvious emotional ones.
Me, I'm on the fence about kids, admittedly with one leg dangling further over on one side than the other. And while I'm not even going to TRY to equate having kids with the choice to buy a new car (I'm not that shallow, people), there is a certain parallel between the wants (unless you happen to be driving a complete piece of shit in which case the need certainly overrides the want). We don't need kids to perform manual labor like in ye olde days of yore; we can shop at Wal-f*ck instead. We also don't need them to prove the viability of the marriage contract (unless you're Michael Jackson, but that's another blog for another day).
Perhaps because I'm a poet, I equate having children with the urge to create something beautiful that can one day stand on its own--much like a poem, a painting, or whatever it is that one creates for art's sake. We want things because they can contribute to happiness (Note: I did not say they will make you happy). They please us. And unlike those things we love because they're aesthetically pleasing, children love us back.
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3 comments:
First, I had trouble finding which words you "stole" from your linguistics text and used "irrelevantly"? Anyway, it's pretty funny that you read that article about reducing the number of people in the world - because so did I. I don't think I forwarded it to you, though...knowing it would just lead to The Discussion. I also went to the sister's website...and this is what I wrote as a comment: Just one male's perspective... Adoption: it's what you do if the urge to "improve" the world is truly the motive behind raising a child. Creating another consumer in our own image and likeness is probably the most narcissistic thing we can do. Admittedly, the costs of adopting are ridiculous. But if money is NOT a factor, and if altruism is what grooves you, then help out some poor kid whose parents have abandoned him. There's a notion I often hear that NOT having children is based in selfishness. I think the opposite is equally true, if not moreso. The people whom I know well who have had kids experience a shrinking of their horizons. For example, those who would not dream of moving to the suburbs - because suburbs represent all things they are opposed to (economic and racial segregation, sprawl and deforestation, increased carbon emissions, etc., etc.) - move to the burbs because, "We have to. The schools in the city are atrocious." Or they take a job working for companies that kill people (health insurance or Big Pharma) because, "I have to do what's best for my children." In short, instead of improving the world, they end up contributing to problems rather than continuing to fight for the solutions. Is this is huge generalization? Yes. Is it universally true? No. Is it MOSTLY true? Sadly, at least in my experience, it is. But then, I always reserve the right to be wrong...or to be a hypocrite... :)
All the love,
CM
Oh yeah...one other thing I meant to comment on: It does seem to me that creating art of some sort - some sort that leaves a lasting "mark," is a wonderful antidote? substitute? for having a child. We fancy ourselves as little gods and there is something both primal and spiritual in us that has a need to create. Not to say that they are mutually exclusive, but art OR children...at least ONE is probably a MUST in order to lead a fulfilling life. Then again, I don't possess a pair of ovaries...
I think CM has a good point about creating art as being an antidote to children in the sense that it give you immortality in some way. I have often struggled with whether to have another child because I also want to have books, and they require a lot of time, as children do. I'm not sure if I can have both many books and many children.
That said, I don't think I've ever been loved in quite the way I'm loved by my daughter. I think the meaning of life is to create both beauty and love, and it is incredibly selfish to create a little being who will love you so much (at least as a child). It's something your art just won't give you.
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