The end of summer makes me itch. I often wake myself in the night because it feels as though tiny bugs are crawling all over my stomach and back. Lest you think that I have bedbugs (although I've read they're making a comeback), it's just my seasonal allergies acting up. Just writing this post makes me itch in fact.
And I think the itch is coursing through our household. The dog seems to be plagued with it as well. She's licked her abdomen raw and seems to be in perpetual agony as long as she's awake.
I know this rawness that she feels. In addition to suffering from ragweed, I'm overcome every August by this, well, ennui. Yes, the end of the summer brings me to the beginning of the school year, and God knows I love school. A new school year is a new beginning. New teachers (if you're a student). New students (if you're a teacher). All this newness is great; however, that also reinforces the sense that I'm somehow flailing along in life. You know, it's the whole "why am I here?" thing. As a girl in my 30s (gasp!) there are a few things that come to mind: career, marriage, kids. Probably in that order.
I guess I sort of have the career in control. I have a job I love (when I don't hate it), and I have the lifestyle I've always wanted. I get to be home quite a bit rather than stuck in a cubicle all day, which I hate and always knew I hated despite the 5 years I spent off and on in cubicleland trying to convince myself that I could potentially like it.
And of course, I do have dear mortgage partner. We've been together nearly 7 years now and have owned our lovely house in the hood for 2. Our relationship is great: he's my best friend, my biggest champion, and my own personal source of entertainment. I do, however, go these phases where I think about being more "normal." Like maybe we should get married. Maybe we should want to have kids. And then I get withdrawn and/or angry, and we have "that" conversation.
We haven't had "that" conversation yet, but once he reads this post we probably will. A big part of me doesn't want to want the conventional, but another tiny, and potentially growing, part does. And all I can do is itch it when it wants to wake me in the night.
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4 comments:
Oh...we'll talk again, alright!
Really, though, Sweetness: I'll scratch anytime you're itching.
I think Feb and August are the toughest months here in the Midwest. For us outdoor junkies, the couped-up factor might be the hardest factor to deal with.
Yours,
Scratchy
Not nearly as angsty as I was expected. I'm disappointed. You must be more disgusted with yourself in order to even participate in the Whining Olympics.
You're totally with the rest of the sisterhood - we all worry about this shit. And if you were married with a kid right now, you'd be worrying about publishing your book. Trust me, I know.
And if you were married and not with a kid and had written your book and had all the time in the world to work on whatever you wanted (hmmm...), you'd itch about something else. (-: We are all itching with you.
If you are ever awake at 2:30 a.m., give me a call. I am ALWAYS awake at 3:30 on the dot... toss, then turn, then read a little by booklight.
Before bed, Colin talks to my head and tells it to "NO WAKEY!" in certain terms. That often helps.
I adore you. Am watching Gilmore Girls daily and thinking of you.
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
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