Well, thanks to the overwhelming response regarding my new blog persona...ok, not really. Seriously, despite the fact that I know I'm writing for myself, I'd like to think there's someone out there who'd be willing to help me out with my name (besides CM who I know will always persist in suggesting cunninglinguist--I did like Lingenie, but I'm still thinking about it).
Whatever. I'm not here to grouse (ok, who are we kidding?), mainly I'm here to pose the following question:
What do we do when we need to parent our parents?
My sister and I have been going through a ridiculous amount of stress and drama with our parents (mainly our mother) in the last year--longer really, but we're ok with letting some of those things be bygones. I'm heading up to the homestead this weekend to help my sister deal with our mother's crap. I know I've written about this before, but it pretty much consumes my thoughts (that is when I'm not thinking about school, work, how much work it is to keep my own house clean, and the fact that I'm able to gain weight just thinking about food).
My mom buys things/collects things/refuses to donate or throw away things because things make her feel better. Granted, I sort of get this. I like going to Target because it makes me feel happy to buy new pillows or even air fresheners. But I don't do this on a regular basis, and I don't buy so much stuff that it swallows up my whole house. Yesterday, my sister came across a pile of clothes in our mom's secret lair (they covered an entire sofa) that for the most part had never been worn--the tags were still on them. Now, I try not to air my family's dirty laundry too much, but my mom is constantly complaining how she has no money, no one ever helps her, and she shouldn't be forced to live the way she does.
We know she has problems--I've seen these people on TV before on Oprah or Dr. Phil. But how do you even begin to do an intervention on someone like this? I think this goes beyond Suze Orman territory; she needs a psychiatric evaluation because this is getting into what resembles manic.
The thing that just kills us though is how she complains to us, to anyone who will listen, that we're such ungrateful wretches to let her life get this way. Are we? From her point of view, she thinks we should be regularly toting that barge and lifting that bale over at Momtown. I''m not so sure that she didn't have kids just to put them to work. From our point of view, we worry that maybe we're enabling her when we do bail her out (which seems to happen on a very regular basis).
Where do you find the happy medium? I know this woman needs some serious tough love, but we're not sure how to start. It's easier when you're the parents because you do have authority over your children. But when you're the kids...well, the channels are a lot more obscure.
One thing I've noticed as an adult is that I tend to surround myself with friends who are stable. I don't have time for drama (although in the past I have often stepped in to be the voice of reason in many situations--I'm seriously old beyond my years). Additionally, my stable posse seems to have pretty freakin' stable parents themselves. Indeed, many of my friends have parents I covet. You know, happily married, frugal, healthy, and sane enough to travel and spend time doing fun things with their adult children. I have no idea what this might be like, but it always looks pretty awesome to me. Perhaps this is just another case of the grass being greener--this case in someone else's family tree (weird, weird mixed metaphor there).
You can't pick your families, it's true (although God knows I'd pick my sister if I had a choice because she rocks). But how do you deal with the fact that you can't exactly write them off either?
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4 comments:
Well, you know my take, but I'll put it writing anyway. We gotta love 'em. Period. But that love might take many forms. In some cases (like if they continue committing physical and emotional abuse and they just won't cease - despite many different approaches on our side), that love might just have to come through in the occasional card and phone call. Then, there is the "middle way" - which may or may not be more apropos here: lessening the emotional tie and not being so vulnerable. I guess that's more of the "tough-love" approach. And, really, that is just more cruel than helpful in some cases. What do I know? I have very little experience in this sort of thing (at least in terms of family/parents). Mine are all pretty good. Luck o' the friggin draw. I know this: I have one life. If I had two, I'd let Mom have one of them...cuz she gave it to me...but I don't.
Hey Repartee,
I was tipped off to this website, and I have to tell you that I completely relate to your mom story. It sucks!
I have a pops who is a few peices of bread short of a loaf. It is really hard because he likes to play the victim role too. I agree with Cranial and you have to love them, but my love has waned over there years.
I think a form of love is self-preservation. For my part. I keep a state between pops and myself. And I keep the visits very short! You can love her but not have to like her. That is okay. But definitely practice self-love!
LT
There's a really great book that I read in the past few years about being an adult child. I just searched Amazon but can't remember the name. It had some good stuff in there about realizing they are adults and you aren't necessarily responsible for them, but also that you're their family and understanding where the boundaries are. I think it's good to help, but bad to let it consume. I know it's hard, though.
Sister, I am sorry I'm behind the pack in reading... I'm getting caught up.
My crazy acupuncturist, Ingri, says something like "Hold in front of you what is good" and she does this thing with her hands where she just shifts the "bad" stuff off to the side... I mean its there, but it over there to the side. You can see it, you know it is there, but it isn't in your field of vision all the time.
How do we do it, J? How do we live the life well-lived and in tune with ourselves, while we are going through the shit? Well, I don't know. I can tell you, you've got that excellent sister, whom you love. That is a real gift in this situation. Hold her in front of you, and let your mother just be who she is for now.
I suspect your sister gets the brunt of it and then she vents to you which makes you feel like you need to do something RIGHT NOW. But wait on it and listen. Sometimes the doing makes it worse.
I love Jeannie... and I'm sorry for the times I was one of the "unstable" friends... hmmm. Was I ever one of the stable ones???? (-:
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